Very tired I am.

Long day, long long day. I'm avoiding going to bed though, because sadly, i know tomorrow is going to be even longer.

It's come to my attnetion that i haven't typed anything in a long time. Oh, the humanity. The world will stop spinning on it's very core. Ah well, at least I'll die semi-content.

Of course, what makes it easiest is the devine knowledge that noone actually cares what i have to say anymore. My blog has become something like an advertisement of a failed life. I got more hits when i was whiny teenager complaining about parent teacher interviews.

Although, it does make for a fasinating psychology experiment. Personal Fable? Me? No....

Start a new job on Tuesday. I"m slightly nervous and hope it goes well. Go me, out of brokesville, into the life that i can afford ville.

i feel very alone...

I find it interesting how much like Tim Burton films are becoming like life. I know it's a nerdy thing to say .. but it's oddly true.

The world lacks color and beauty. Beauty can only be found in past events, past lives, past past past. The present is dull and mundane. Nobody is around anymore. Life is horribly lonely.

Then of course there is that one person, that one confident that you feel you can trust. That you feel you have. Of course, closer to the end of the plot (nay, your life) you find out that they're a liar. Untrustworthy, un.. everything. There total perfect facade is one built carefully out of lies to either achieve something, get something, or be someone that they very badly want to be. Unfairly, they then move onto bigger and better things, prettier things, happier things; a brand new target. Which leaves you in the unfortunate place of being alone and hurt. Tiny and insignificant.

Of course, you can't blame them. That wouldn't be right. Becuase somewhere, sometime in there own life, they've been wronged by someone trying to achieve the big and beautiful. Be it in childhood buillies, uncaring partners, uncaring parents, siblings, friends, your own self.. the list goes on. Everyone uses everyone as a step ladder.

You'll never reach the top... fools...

The one grain of beauty is simply misunderstood. Something ugly, or tormented, or mute, deaf, dumb, blind. Something so completely abstract, such as a daisy growing out the ground - is really the only beauty left in todays world. Which is quickly ground up by a lawn mower.

So why even bother. Why wake up alone in a strange grey world. Wake up to do the same fucking thing day in and day out. Get up, shower, walk to school... a lonely trip while watching your neighbors consume (just driving past the bottle depo makes me sick), get to school, learn something for the sake of just.. knowing..., go home, sit alone for the night, or in a vain attempt to be happy, try and do something. Go home. Alone. Curl up in bed. Alone. If it's a good day you can get to sleep without crying. Unlikely you'll get to sleep without clinging to a pillow for dear life...

Of course, just to complicate things, there is always the option of going to bed with someone else. But that always complicates things. Ruins friendships, complicates friendships, creates bad friendships, reinforces bad habits.

What the fuck is the point?

I don't want to die... But I'm tired of being alive. If that makes sense. It's all one long chore that never seems to get finished :(.

I love my life.

I really, truely do.

I have all the things in the world to live for.

I hate my life.

I really, truely do.

I have zero things to live for.

i often wonder why people get so lonely. It's as though people draw negitivity to themselves almost as an excuse to whine and bitch. Never once have I met a person completely at ease with themselves, completely at ease with there lives, wanting nothing. Human greed is just revolting, i often feel overwhelmed with sickness and disgust as I witness day in and day out the simplicity of the human mind. All they want ever is things for them - things to benifit themselves. Nobody ever stops and thinks about other people, nobody ever tries to see the world from someone elses point of view. I wish I had the power to show everyone - myself included - just how utterly disgusting and revolting they are.

And everyone just has the same mundane topics and retarded jokes to talk about. It's as though the entire human race is molded from the same cookie cutter, just a copy of one and other as they scurry over each other like rats stuck in a cage trying to get out.

"Hey, where's the sun"

turns to

"Fuck, it's too hot out" When the sun actually DOES come out

Then as soon as it cools down a little it's "Oh, where's the sun? Where's our summer?"

Fuck, people, be happy with you have, ffs. And the weather? Come on, thrill me with something else. People can't, that's the sad thing. I can count the amount of times a random stranger has actually interested me with a story. The rest of the time it's whine and moan and bitch. People get up, gorge themselves of "Energy Drinks" -which, btw, people don't even stop to think what's in said energy drinks.- Then strait to the coffee... maybe gamble a bit, smoke some cigarettes (way to think about second hand smoke there. If you want to inhale tar and nicotine, be my guest. Just do it the fuck away from me) and procede about there days doing a job they hate so they can get home and sit infront of a television, or computer, or game station and waste the next few hours of there lives while slowly getting more and more miserable, fat, lonely and depressed, until your so far gone that you just don't care anymore. Humans are like mind dead robots. Dis-gust-ing.

And then get up and complain how dull and boring there lives are, and how nobody likes them. Obviously nobody likes you, fucktard, you do nothing to help yourself. Get a fucking life, do something honorable, or worthy of notice, and maybe people will care that you are feeling under the weather. Help yourself. After all, everyone's to self absorbed in there world to help you in yours.

I spent the day in hospital.

Ask me how much i love the hospital.

0. 0 out of fucking 10.

I loathe the hospital.

They put an IV in my hand, but that isn't the worst part.

The worst part is in the ER everything is so fucking loud, and when you have a headache the size of texas, you hate even the SLIGHTEST noise. The freaking beeper noise thing went off, and it hurt me so badly i was crying, and then I successfully passed out from pain. Yup, Laura = weak and pathetic.

I wake up and they had isolated me in a little corner room in the ER and were taking blood and sticking sharp needles in my hand. They also had all the lights off. <3 for the sensible nurses and doctors.

I felt sort of cool though, like a patient from ER (the TV show.), with the doctors all "shushing" me and the huge cat-scan thing going "beep beep beep" and them taking my blood. Needless to say, it was exhausting. They pumped me full of morphine, which also made me feel kind of cool, becuase "morphine" sounds all important.

What did you get injected with today Laura?

Me? Oh, nothing much but a shit load of Morphine and something else that's starts with a "M" sound. That's right, I'm hard-core.

:)

On the bright side, the morphine made my headache bear-able, so with the help of the drugs my nice GP doctor gave me on Thrusday, and the nice T3's, I should be able to remain awake and pain-less. However, the drug they prescribed also has the side effect of making me "out of it" which means I walk around looking like i've been shooting up heroin in a dark alley. Go figure.

Happy Easter, btw. I'm super excited. I took the weekend off work (obviously) so i get a weekend just to .. do nothing but celebrate Easter. Easter = awesome. Everyone loves chocolate.

Dear World.

I am very tired of your shit. I am tired of being lied to, tired of being taken advantage of, and very tired of the backstabbing.

I formally request that if you have anything to say to me, make it sincere and true, and not laced with lies and malice. Otherwise i'm going to snap and go crazy. Okay? Okay.

I'm tired of you making me feel like shit. I'm tired of making myself feel like shit. Tired, tired, tired.

Dear world: fuck off.

Love me.

"What worries me the most is that most men are so weak. Because of that they act like they don't care and like machos - because they are too fragile inside. They're scared of confrontation and afraid of so many things. And because of this they build up their life so they have to deal with their feelings as little as possible. I find feminine men unbelievably sexy. But most men are completely incapable of getting in touch with their feminine side. What am I supposed to talk about with a man who doesn't know what it's like to be a woman?"


Best . Quote. Ever.

This is so fucking twisted.

fucking fuck fuck fuck!

god fucking damn it.

I've done something really, really bad.

This is literally, the worst thing I've ever done.

I've fucked everything up, and what's worse, it's totally unfixable.

Fuck!

I wish I had the nerve to say what I need to say.

2007... I wonder where I will be in a year.

This has been a year of nonstop oddness. I hope 2007 is just as crazy..

It's almost my biiirtthhday!

:D

Is it weird that the thought that's been running through my head for the past few weeks is :

"I wonder if many people are going to come to my funeral"

I have come to the rather surprising conclusion that I just might over-analzye people and situations.

Shocking..

Oh, Heather! What a fun game, I'm going to play too...

Bet I can beat you!

Things I remember from HBP:

-Harry and Dumbledore go to visit Slughorn, who is a chair
-Harry pulls an Anita Blake and seems to have a "beast" inside him...
-Luna runs a commentary on one quidditch game.
-Harry and Dumbledore are in a boat in water over a bunch of dead things.
-There is no Sirius
-Snape kills Dumbledore
-Draco can't kill Dumbledore
-Some catch about there being two broomsticks in sight right before Dumbledore dies (or was that fanfiction?)
-Ron/Lavender
-R.A.B. (Remus and Black! Yay!)
-Harry isn't going back to Hogwarts again because he's going to mope around Godrics Hollow.
-Tom Riddle was from an orphanage and stole things, then stupidly hid them in his closet.
-The Unbreakable Vow at the beginning.
-Dumbledores black and shriveled hand that was never explained

:) That's all. I think I got all the main plot points though...

Hello

Guess who just whipped their pysc exam into the ground.

And I meaned whipped in the best possible way. I knew every anwser. I feel so smart..

*relishes in the feeling of intelligence*

The stench of guilt if suffocating me.

It feels terrible.

My stomach clenchs, my brain bleeds, all I can smell is this coppery scent of the blood I've managed to spill yet again.

Dont' worry Laura, you didn't kill them. You just pointed the gun at their head and put their finger on the trigger.

I am alone.. I can't think.. and I'm choking on this unbearable amount of guilt.

There's so much pain I'm afraid I'm going to fall and not be able to get back up.